had an important dream

i no longer fear who i am. | 2025/4-15

this morning after waking up, i couldn't stop thinking about the dream i had. i've dreamt before in ways i've never forgotten but this one i think has an impact on something far more important on my life than any other dream before that has. it's weird too, i wouldn't call it a normal dream. i wasn't even sure how to tell the person i had dreamt about. here's how it went; i was on a plane to georgia. after landing and exploring atlanta, i went to the reason i was there. to see a friend, who in the dream was an old friend. i walked around until i found a large apartment building, which was beige and carved all over in extreme detail. i gazed up and walked through the door, it felt like home alone: lost in new york, everything was so grand and old. the only difference was everything was old and janky, none of it stood the test of time. i go up the rattly elevator. after getting off at a floor i walk through a aging hallway, up a flight of stairs for some reason, then came across a door. i open it.

in front of me, someone a little shorter than me greets me. she says hi, and we talk. catch up on old times. an important detail here is her outfit, it's notable because i thought it was cool as shit. she's wearing like old scene clothes (not that extravagant) consisting of purple black thigh highs, an awesome skirt i can't remember the details, some invader zim jacket (you know the one.), and might've had a side-swoop? i forgot i just remember it was *really* gay. on top of all that she was just covered in accessories. regardless, i'm catching up but something persists in dream me's head. "are you trans?" i ask her (who i didn't know was her). she kinda says yes, mumbling a little, just playing it off. the answer is obvious though. we talk a little longer, just about things i guess i don't remember it's fuzzy. her room is cozy, big bed, messy and unmade, just shit kinda everywhere combined with a computer. her roomate walks through and i stand between the two as her roomate tells her something before leaving. i got the idea that it's probably best i get out, since i did everything i came here to do. after talking to her a bit longer about estrogen i leave.

i think this dream changed my life. if it isn't obvious i dreamt about my friend who is *not* transgender, but in my dream they were. this dream is funny on paper and awfully unimportant but something about it really hit with me. unlike most experiences i've had talking about being transgender, i never felt scared or uneased. i'm not saying talking to trans people scares me but being confronted about being trans makes my heart sink a little, and it still does but not as much. more importantly in that dream, after leaving it, i don't know how to describe this but i felt like i was her. i felt so comfortable in that dream, talking about those topics which is something i've never really felt. the idea of committing to being trans scares me, i'm not discontent with my body. in this dream i saw myself as her though, disconnected from the body. she looked feminine, fun, and all the things i'd want to be. this made it feel like it was never about having boobs or passing, being trans doesn't have to be so binary or tied to sex. for some reason i've never thought of it like that but it's obvious to me now. i no longer feel scared.

evidently i'm not trying to say i'm transgender though. i mean maybe not evidently but i don't feel strictly transgender. what i will say though, is i haven't felt so safe ever. i saw myself, and thought for a second that that could be me. and i think it can. i felt so warm, and fuzzy after that dream. no doubt that part of that was the blanket and mountain of clothes on my bed to keep me warm, but the fuzzy feeling didn't go away after i got out of bed. i could cry but i won't. maybe this isn't about being transgender but instead me accepting myself. i've always had this perception i needed to be born this way to do this or be that, but i don't feel like that anymore. things that felt out of reach no longer feel out of reach to me, and i want to be that person and wear what i want. anyway, i'm not in love with the person in this dream to make that clear. i'm rereading and it feels a little weird and i just wanna be so clear, that person in the dream is not at all like the person i know in the real world. regardless of that though my perception of myself is (probably) forever changed, in what i see as a positive way. i'm just not as scared as i used to be, and i had no idea it could be like that.

thanks for reading.